Release

Release control.

Release worry.

Release fear.

Release brave love.

Release.

Our "Why"

I felt the calling to adopt from the very beginning.  When I played with my babydolls growing up, some of them were adopted.   I can't remember the first time I had learned about adoption, but I knew from the very start that that it was a very normal way that helped form many families.  My great aunt and aunt were both adopted so it's possible that this is where I was first introduced to adoption.   I hope our kids will say the same one day.. That adoption was just a part of everyday life and something that always just WAS. <3

Fast forward many years...
When C and I first met, I was teaching 1st grade and I invited all of my students and their families along with us for a foster care awareness walk in the nearest big city as a service project to serve in our community.  Coby said he would love to go with us and help.  We had not talked about our future and our children, but he could see my heart through this project and little did we know God was also showing him something new about his.  We collected luggage for the kids to use to transfer their belongings when they had to move to a new placement. I had learned the year before that many foster children are transferred without many belongings and what they are allowed to take sometimes has to be transferred in a trash bag.  Now that sends a message that I'm not okay with so as we went, luggage began to fill my tiny apartment and classroom.  My students began bringing in their piggy bank money for me to count and use toward more luggage.  I was amazed at these kiddos and their hearts for others.  Through this project, Coby was exposed to fostering and adoption and gained a better understanding of what a blessing adoption was and how we as Christ followers have a job within adoption.  It might not always be to grow our family through adoption, but He was very clear in how we are to step in and make a difference through support of some sort.  We'll talk more about this later.
   
We attend the same foster care and adoption awareness walk every single year and bring new people with us.  Now we walk beside our parents and our kiddos and dream about our complete family walking together. (:

Our Pregnancies: 

I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidirum (or HG) and was very very sick throughout three pregnancies.  One ended in miscarriage, but the others were a slow and torturous form of starvation.  My whole life, I wanted to be a mom more than anything else.  I felt like that was my big Purpose. Here I was in the middle of high risk pregnancies and I was dangerously sick.  
(For a look into HG, you can read more --> HERE )

With our last pregnancy of our youngest daughter, my hair was falling out.. My eyes were dark and sunken in.  I was vomiting so much that my teeth were damaged.  My eyes were bloodshot from the force of the vomiting.  I couldn't drink or eat.  I couldn't make myself swallow spit that my body made.  Eventually, I was so dehydrated that my body stopped producing urine for days at a time.  I became very depressed and had to ask for help with the second pregancy.  It was no longer just me, but I had a toddler to take care of and I was in really bad shape.  My mom moved in with us and took care of me and my family while C worked.  We bounced in and out of the ER and tried every medicine known to man. Each trip to the ER spent poking and prodding until they could find a vein because I was so dehydrated. I tried a cocktail of a medication given to sick chemo patients mixed with other things and nothing helped me.  I was stuck in the middle of feeling guilty for being so sick and miserable and being a financial burden and an emotional drain on my family members that were caring for our family.  I kept trying to remind myself that some people would've killed to be pregnant.  I missed my daughter and longed for time with her, but I was so sick that I didn't want her to see me that way.  It scared her and broke my heart.  

 In my first pregnancy, I handled much of it alone.  C was working a lot and I was trying to teach.  I carried bags with me and taught with a trashcan beside me because I was always getting sick.  One night when C got home from work, I was passed out in the floor because my body was overheating and the last thing I remember was laying beside the toilet because the floor felt cool and I didn't have the strength to stand back up.  He picked me up and got me dressed and we went to the ER for fluids. I got home in just enough time to change into work clothes and went back to my kindergarten classroom the next day.  No one knew just how bad it had gotten.

Thankfully during my last pregnancy, I found out about the HER foundation which helps women that have HG by offering emotional support.  They sent me a doppler machine so I could hear our baby's heartbeat.  Many HG pregnancies end up with abortion, miscarriage, or PTSD without intervention. Every night after work, C would put it to my stomach and we would sit and listen to that sweet heartbeat and it would carry me through another day when I felt like I had no more fight left.  Women from all over the US sent me cards and I laid them in bed beside me and tried to remind myself that we had made it through once before and we could do it again.
 

I began researching.  I signed up to be a part of a study on HG to figure out why people get it and what it is so they can find a cure.  I realized in my own research that I was not with a doctor that advocated for us and I was withering away.  We knew something was wrong so we switched doctors.  At my second appointment with the new doctor, I had lost 14.6 lbs in less than 2 weeks and she kept me at that appointment.  We went directly to the labor and delivery where I was admitted under a team of high risk doctors.  I was so scared that we were going to lose another baby and it was a very dark time for me.  My time in the hospital is a blur of groups of people coming in trying to empathize, not having answers, trying things that didn't work, talks of PICC lines and feeding tubes, and reassuring me that we wouldn't lose this baby.  What I do remember very clearly is overhearing people talk about being scared that they were going to lose me.  This period of time isn't something I can easily talk about to this day.

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I gave birth to our second beautiful babe at 40 weeks and 4 days.  She was healthy and perfect and my heart doubled in size.  Our oldest settled in perfectly from that very second and we never witnessed one single second of jealousy or growing pains.  She was meant to be a big sister and God had knitted our family together in a way that worked.  I looked at C not five minutes after she was laid on my chest and said "I hope she isn't our last."  We both knew after talking with our doctor that more biological children weren't in our future, but we both hoped that our story was not over.
 

   

Fast forward 20 months after that day, and we were sitting in church while far into our adoption journey and our pastor said "There is purpose in our pain.  We might not see the 'WHY' at the time, but one day, we will be able to look back and see how God has used our pain and brought us through to fulfill His purpose."  It was all so clear.  I found my peace.  What if I hadn't had HG? What if I hadn't had the door closed for me and decided I was too scared to adopt? What if the risks would've seemed too big and paralyzed us? What if we would've been financially scared or let all the unknown and big scary bumps in the road stop us? This door has closed for a reason.  God knew the depths of our hearts and He knew our desires and also that we would need help getting there.

   

There was purpose in the pain. 

   
The journey of adoption can definitely also be painful and unknown at times, but every miracle of a pregnancy and path to a child is just as dangerous and scary and unknown. Adoption isn't a second best. It's not a consolation and I'm less sick and MORE able to be excited in this season than in my pregancy.  How amazing is that?!?!

 There is beauty in our weakness and pain.

Through that door closing, we were able to open the chapter of adoption.

To NOT miss out on the child(ren) God has intended to give our family to.

He is greatest at our weakest and this is another beautiful rainbow after the storm.  

     

B.

Berries For Baby - Strawberry Fundraiser

We did a strawberry sale as our second adoption fundraiser.  Luckily, Valentine's Day fell at the same time that our Home Study and "Going live" fees were due so it worked out perfectly.  

A lot of our family and friends are far away, and they decided to purchase orders anyway, and have them be "Pay-It-Forward" orders to bless deserving people.  This was so much fun.  One of the orders went to a family friend battling breast cancer.  Her husband tried to buy them from me.  I told him that the order was already paid for-- that a member of our "tribe" wanted to bless them, and he cried.  Right on my front porch. This strong man was moved to tears at a stranger's generosity in a time that they needed it the most. It was beautiful and I was so proud and thankful that we have people that do these types of bold things out of love in our corner.  

Love really is a currency, and we believe giving is a form of worship. 

One of C's spiritual gifts is giving. It's one of his biggest strengths.  He would give anyone anything he has and never even flinch.  He is so faithful and I love this about him, and he challenges me with his giving nature.  

 I really believe that God blesses people when they help others.  We have seen some big moves of faith to support our family in the last month, and though we'll never be able to talk about them, we have grown in our faith because of them.  We've also grown closer to our child.

I lost count on how many dozens of strawberries we made around 700 or so.  I was DREAMING strawberries when we went to bed both nights. (: 

My sweet momma came and helped us both days.  Did I fail to mention that before this fundraiser, I had never dipped a strawberry in my life? 

She totally saved the day, as always. She is such a giver.  She's not just like this with family.  It's that way with everyone.  I'm just so thankful for her. 

This is my favorite berry of both days.  It made the perfect little heart.

Someone said you could "taste the love that went into them."  

That made me so happy.  They were definitely filled with love.  We made them as we listened to our adoption playlist, and we had so many laughs as a family.  

I'll remember this part of our journey forever.  

If you were a part of this fundraiser, thank you. 

<3

The weekend - Day 132

Day 132-
     
I've come to the conclusion that I have a harder time on the weekends.  It's so bizarre that the highs and lows can swing so quickly without any movement in our "case." I feel like things settle down on the weekends, and C is home during the day which leaves me time to reflect and rest.  When the dust settles from the week and I am still, I start thinking.. I look at our day count on the calendar that's beside my bed and think about how long we've waited and it feels like we haven't come very far.  Of course we knew that it would take time to get here, but knowing that and living it are two very different things.

These days are almost like the fog lifts.  There is nothing keeping me crazy busy that takes my mind off of this. I really don't have doubts about it happening in general..  and I don't feel a pressure to have a baby in my arms that I just can't shake.  It's more like this whole thing just doesn't feel real.  The paperwork is done.  The hoops have been jumped through. There's nothing more that we can do... No reason to contact our agency or receive contact from our agency until "the call."  Nesting has halted and there's no signs that a baby is coming.

So I just pray.
I can't tell you the amount of times we've said "We don't want A baby for our family. We want OUR baby."  THE baby that God has meant for us.

I actually shot an email last week to our case worker.  The first time I've made contact since we were cleared with our home study.  I thought about some special things I would like to do - like finding out the sex of the baby in a special way like a gender reveal with our family.  (We were unable to find out these things in a special way in the past.  I was so sick and the babies were always in danger so these usually happened in high stress times where we were just wanting heartbeats, movement, and to check on growth and development)  They're things I always wanted to do, but we never got a chance to do.  She said that those things are always up to the expectant mom and usually they lead the first call with letting adoptive families know gender.  "We have an expectant mom at 33 weeks pregnant with a baby boy."
 
Another thing I've been dreaming up would be announcing a match.  I bought a couple of things for an announcement picture and thought this would be a fun way to let everyone know there has been movement in our journey... But then I remind myself that it is quite common for matches to not work out and a match doesn't mean placement.  It's a plan to place.... and that plan can change at any second, even after Baby comes.  The line between excitement and fear is a hair line.  Letting yourself free-fall and keeping your guard up are equally impossible.  So what if we announce and a match fails? What if we announce and the adoption fails?

These are things we are willing to face or we wouldn't be here.  But they're things I think about.

It's a lot like falling in love.  Knowing that at any second, your heart can be shattered, but not being able to avoid the gravity-like pull.  There's no dipping your toes into love, and there's no dipping your toes into adoption.  You take the chance.  You close your eyes, say a prayer, hope for the best, and you jump.  You have to jump.
And one day (sometimes after heartbreak) someone catches you.  You look back and see that it was all worth it.  We can learn something in heartbreak. Beauty can come from the ashes.

    

   

  

No need to whisper-

Adoption isn't a dirty word to be whispered. It's not a "second best" way to have children.. When we act like it is something we can't openly talk about, we don't give credit to a God who perfectly orchestrated a miracle placement and partnership. We make birth parents feel ashamed of the choice they made to gift a better life to their child(ren.)  We make families feel like they're different in a negative way and not in a way that should be celebrated. 

     

Less than 2% of unwanted pregnancies end in adoption.  The more we talk about this, the more those numbers will rise.  What if this dialogue could save lives... give options to hurting women who feel alone and hopeless?  THAT is why we open our hearts and our story. 

      

The adoption community has come a long way.  A long time ago, adoption was an underground procedure.  Women weren't allowed a chance to be proud of their placement choices.  

Adoption is already laced with loss and pain for birth families.. lets change the way we speak and think about adoption.
  

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Phrases to leave behind:

-Wow. I just don't think I could ever do that. (Adopt) 

Not everyone is meant to adopt.. but we feel like God calls us all to be be involved in adoption of others in some way.  Pray about what your place is in this. 

-Wow. I just don't think I could ever do that. (Place your child.) 

I'm not sure I'm brave enough and selfless enough either.  Birthmoms are literally the most selfless individuals on this entire planet.  They give you their most precious gift.  Saying any of the last things is so okay... implying that they're 'giving their children away because they're not wanted enough to keep them' is not okay.  

-Why didn't she want her child? 

These children are wanted.  She's just amazing enough to know that what she has right now isn't what she wants to give her child.  Isn't that amazing? Specifics on BM situations aren't something most families want to share with everyone.  

-I'm not sure my husband could ever love a child that isn't his own.

Explain that one to Jesus. You know.. who was adopted and raised by Joseph. 

-Have you ever met his/her REAL mom? 

Adoptive mommas are their REAL moms. 

-How much did he/she cost? 

-Could you not have any kids yourself? 

-Are you going to tell the child that they're adopted? 

It's not a dirty secret. This fact should be celebrated and should never be hidden from a child. It will be talked about their whole lives and not in some "big talk" one day. 

-What if she changes her mind and wants to keep the baby? 

This is something that is possible and it's the family's choice to parent or place. And of course it's in the back of our minds. It's scary... and heartbreaking. And sometimes so scary that it takes our breath away and causes utter panic. But we would rather take that risk than not. 

-I don't know why people adopt from other countries when there's so many kids here. 

The short reply to this is THAT is where their child is.  God is designing their story and leading them to the place that THEIR particular child or children are.  It's like a puzzle piece. We're not inserting any child. We're finding OUR child, destined and chosen by God for our family. 

-Saying things like "he's so lucky to have you" in front of the child.  

We always want to be sure that we're never making the child feel like they've been "saved."  Our families are the lucky ones to gain them. They're the treasure at the end of a very long fight. We're not anyone's savior. 

-Is he/she yours? 

Of course. All of our children are ours. 

-Which ones are yours? 

All of them. 

-My friends waited a REALLY LONG time before getting a baby. 

We need positive stories now more than ever. 

-I had a friend that <insert sad, scary, or horrific story here.>

Sigh. These aren't helpful. 

-What is he/she? (When referring to race/ethnicity) 

This is not a question that is acceptable to ask adults or children ever, in any circumstance. It's no ones business and sometimes this information is never even known.  Take me for example. I'm 32, and know that I'm Native American, Irish & Scottish... but I bet there's a ton more mixed around in there somewhere.  

   

Expectant mom phrases that are supportive:

-How is your pregnancy going so far? 

-Whatever you decide to do in your family plan, I'm going to support you. 

-If you need anything, I'm here. 

-Hey, I can't imagine how tough this is, but I love you and I'm praying for you. 

-You're so brave.

-You are so strong. 

-I can tell how much you love this baby.  

 
     

Adoptive family phrases that are supportive:

-How can we pray for you?

-We're still thinking about your family. 

-We're behind you in this. 

-We're still praying for your family and your future child.  

-Have you thought of any names? 

-How are you going to decorate the nursery? 

-I bet the waiting is really hard, but we're standing behind you in this. 

--questions about the process. We love when you want to learn about adoption. 

--anything else you would say to an expectant family. (: 

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Is there anything that I should add to the list above?

Are there anything YOU wish people knew to say or ways that they could make you feel supported as a birth parent or adoptive family?