One year ago, yesterday we went to our first fostering/adoption event. Lately, I catch myself taking slow, long looks at our kids. Trying to drink them in. I try to remember their newborn smell and the weight of their tiny little bodies sleeping on my chest. I remember the way their first little curls flipped over their ears, and the first teetering walks they did into my arms. I try to tell myself (and God) that it's okay if this is all He ever gives me. That we trust Him and feel like there's more, but even if not, He has given us enough.
The last 200 days of our wait have been a fog. We've seen couples disappear off of our agency's "waiting families" list. We've seen a lot of people we know matched and bring babies home in this short time and our story has been silent. For the most part at this point, we don't talk about it much (besides in daily prayers and planning/dreaming when it comes up). I would say that it's like a song playing in the background that you're humming along to without realizing it. It's there and you're aware on some level.. But it's not your only focus because you've got things to tend to.
The kids have activities and we stay really busy with church things and family adventures. That helps. A few weeks ago, we were eating at a local place, and we kept seeing hot air balloons go by. We decided to try to find where they were all landing and we followed them and watched several land across the city. It was beautiful! The kids were squealing and giggling and our youngest told me "thank you" for the balloons. So many sweet things are taking place. The "ordinary" is never ordinary with us and I LOVE that every day is a new adventure with them.
My safe space to talk about anything adoption related is my bestie. She's walked this road multiple times. She's across the world and sometimes on the harder days, I wish we could just be in the same room and know we're there without a word.. I'm so glad she "gets it." All of it. Unlike anyone else. She's my person.
So here we are on day 200 and the girls are playing outside. Thursdays are usually big work days for me, but I've been spending some extra time with the kids lately. I was listening to a video of one of my upline members for Young Living and I felt my phone vibrate. I looked down and saw the name of our agency. I knew. I just knew this was something. There's no more paperwork.. There's nothing left to chat about and it's been 200 whole days since we have heard a word.
The first words out of her mouth are "We have a Birth Mom." She goes on to tell us about a situation and asked if we wanted to be shown to her and asked us if we would be willing to meet with her before the baby comes because she really wanted to meet the people that would be raising her baby. Then she told me that Baby could be coming at any time. She believed she was further along than she thought she was throughout the pregnancy. There were signs it wouldn't be long. She starts filling in blanks and all of these things are laid out and all I could think about was this expectant mother and how scared she must feel. I wanted to hug her. Now we know that before matching, the ground is shaky. (We know after matching the ground is shaky.) Expectant moms have the right to decide to parent at any time. But I couldn't help dreaming about this baby. Was this THE baby that God has decided to give our family to?!?
I had a list of questions that I had prepared to ask our caseworker if she called with a situation. I've had it since before being an official "Waiting Family." And of course I couldn't find it today. I was so shocked and stunned. I told her that I just needed to pray and tell my husband and I wanted to stop and pray over this EM and this baby. We needed guidance and everyone needed peace in this moment.
There are some details in the middle that are only ours to know, but we moved forward.
EM called our caseworker and let her know that she has decided to parent. We have been praying for her since our agency let us know, and we want so badly for her to have peace and comfort in her decision. Our caseworker was so sweet when she called me. Her voice was shaking and she told me she didn't want us to be discouraged. I told her that I knew that God had this story all written out, and I do believe that. Lots of highs and lows have been felt, and I'm tired. But still thankful. And still believing that He's good and we haven't been forgotten.
Will you pray for this mama with us? That she would have peace in her decision and that she would follow God's will for her life in this... That this baby would grow up in a loving environment with a loving and secure family and they would come to know that no matter what, he has a mama that loved him and chose life for him.
B.
