Day 200

Day 200.

One year ago, yesterday we went to our first fostering/adoption event.  Lately, I catch myself taking slow, long looks at our kids.  Trying to drink them in.  I try to remember their newborn smell and the weight of their tiny little bodies sleeping on my chest.  I remember the way their first little curls flipped over their ears, and the first teetering walks they did into my arms.  I try to tell myself (and God) that it's okay if this is all He ever gives me.  That we trust Him and feel like there's more, but even if not, He has given us enough.

The last 200 days of our wait have been a fog. We've seen couples disappear off of our agency's "waiting families" list.  We've seen a lot of people we know matched and bring babies home in this short time and our story has been silent.  For the most part at this point, we don't talk about it much (besides in daily prayers and planning/dreaming when it comes up).  I would say that it's like a song playing in the background that you're humming along to without realizing it.  It's there and you're aware on some level.. But it's not your only focus because you've got things to tend to.

The kids have activities and we stay really busy with church things and family adventures.  That helps. A few weeks ago, we were eating at a local place, and we kept seeing hot air balloons go by.  We decided to try to find where they were all landing and we followed them and watched several land across the city.  It was beautiful! The kids were squealing and giggling and our youngest told me "thank you" for the balloons.  So many sweet things are taking place.  The "ordinary" is never ordinary with us and I LOVE that every day is a new adventure with them.
 
My safe space to talk about anything adoption related is my bestie.  She's walked this road multiple times.  She's across the world and sometimes on the harder days, I wish we could just be in the same room and know we're there without a word..  I'm so glad she "gets it."  All of it.  Unlike anyone else.  She's my person.

So here we are on day 200 and the girls are playing outside.  Thursdays are usually big work days for me, but I've been spending some extra time with the kids lately. I was listening to a video of one of my upline members for Young Living and I felt my phone vibrate.  I looked down and saw the name of our agency.  I knew.  I just knew this was something. There's no more paperwork.. There's nothing left to chat about and it's been 200 whole days since we have heard a word.

The first words out of her mouth are "We have a Birth Mom."  She goes on to tell us about a situation and asked if we wanted to be shown to her and asked us if we would be willing to meet with her before the baby comes because she really wanted to meet the people that would be raising her baby.  Then she told me that Baby could be coming at any time.  She believed she was further along than she thought she was throughout the pregnancy.  There were signs it wouldn't be long.  She starts filling in blanks and all of these things are laid out and all I could think about was this expectant mother and how scared she must feel.  I wanted to hug her.  Now we know that before matching, the ground is shaky.  (We know after matching the ground is shaky.)  Expectant moms have the right to decide to parent at any time.  But I couldn't help dreaming about this baby.  Was this THE baby that God has decided to give our family to?!?
         
I had a list of questions that I had prepared to ask our caseworker if she called with a situation.  I've had it since before being an official "Waiting Family."  And of course I couldn't find it today.  I was so shocked and stunned.  I told her that I just needed to pray and tell my husband and I wanted to stop and pray over this EM and this baby.  We needed guidance and everyone needed peace in this moment.

There are some details in the middle that are only ours to know, but we moved forward. 

EM called our caseworker and let her know that she has decided to parent.  We have been praying for her since our agency let us know, and we want so badly for her to have peace and comfort in her decision.  Our caseworker was so sweet when she called me.  Her voice was shaking and she told me she didn't want us to be discouraged.  I told her that I knew that God had this story all written out, and I do believe that.  Lots of highs and lows have been felt, and I'm tired.  But still thankful.  And still believing that He's good and we haven't been forgotten.

Will you pray for this mama with us? That she would have peace in her decision and that she would follow God's will for her life in this... That this baby would grow up in a loving environment with a loving and secure family and they would come to know that no matter what, he has a mama that loved him and chose life for him.

B.

Join Young Living

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Join Our Growing Oily Family!:

• Go to:  Member Sign-up
• Please select Wholesale Member (where you will get the chance to order at wholesale prices) or Retail Customer (You will order at retail cost)
• My number should already be entered.  If it isn't, please enter 3603940 in both the Sponsor and Enroller sections.
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My Start In Essential Oils

I've had a lot of questions lately about our family's journey with essential oils.  I wanted a place to point our friends to tell how and why I got started with Young Living Essential Oils.

My great friend and neighbor was an "oily mama" and used EOs for everything under the sun.  Besides the fact that she smelled amazeballs all of the time, she was really taking things into her own hands and cared about everything that was going into and on their bodies.  The whole "oil thing" seemed really fascinating to me, and I wanted to learn more.  I asked a million questions and sat in awe because there seemed to be an oil for everything.

So here I was, with a sick toddler that just couldn't kick some major sniffles.  She was coughing & sneezing, and I couldn't get it under control at night enough for her (OR ME) to get any rest.  I was worn out and my patients were gone.  I wanted her to feel better and nothing I was doing would work.  After visiting the doctor AGAIN, (and hearing the same thing as last time "it's just allergies..ride it out"), I called my friend and told her we were ready to try an oil.  She told me that Young Living had these really neat oils that were already diluted, or mixed with a carrier oil to be the suitable amount for children.  The oil she suggested was called SniffleEase.  It arrived a couple of days later and we broke it out immediately.  (Lets just be honest and say that I did NOT expect this stuff to work.  I was desperate. I rubbed the oil right on my daughter's chest and she slept through the first time in two weeks.
     
I'm serious, y'all.
   
Naturally, I was perplexed and immediately wanted to use essential oils for myself to test them further. It was just a coincidence, right? I ordered my Premium Starter Kit from Young Living in February 2016.  When I ordered my kit, I had the option to sign up as a member for free and if I ever did decide to order again, I could get the 24% wholesale discount myself without going through my friend to purchase.  If I didn't want to order again, there was nothing to lose.  So of course, I did it!
         
The kit cost as much as a doctors visit and a round of medicine, so I felt like we couldn't lose no matter what.  My kit arrived and it felt like Christmas!  You guys- we were so excited to try all 11 oils, that we were literally looking for things to lather up for.  Real life quickly happened and it wasn't long before I woke up at 3am to a kiddo with a tummy bug and I was using Digize to calm her sickness.

Since then, our family has been hooked.  It's our go-to prevention and our first line of defense.  

 
           

Ready to test it out for yourself?  Follow these steps:

• Go to:  Member Sign-up
• Please select Wholesale Member (where you will get the chance to order at wholesale prices) or Retail Customer (You will order at retail cost)
• My number should already be entered.  If it isn't, please enter 3603940 in both the Sponsor and Enroller sections.
• Check your country and language preference
• On the next page, select your Premium Starter Kit 
• Select your diffuser
• You can then select to join our optional monthly autoship program, Essential Rewards if you'd like
• On the next page, fill out your info
• Agree to the terms and conditions
• At this point you can add more to your order if you'd like, or you can check out with only your starter kit.
• All finished, welcome to the family!  You should receive an email from our team soon!

Release

Release control.

Release worry.

Release fear.

Release brave love.

Release.

Our "Why"

I felt the calling to adopt from the very beginning.  When I played with my babydolls growing up, some of them were adopted.   I can't remember the first time I had learned about adoption, but I knew from the very start that that it was a very normal way that helped form many families.  My great aunt and aunt were both adopted so it's possible that this is where I was first introduced to adoption.   I hope our kids will say the same one day.. That adoption was just a part of everyday life and something that always just WAS. <3

Fast forward many years...
When C and I first met, I was teaching 1st grade and I invited all of my students and their families along with us for a foster care awareness walk in the nearest big city as a service project to serve in our community.  Coby said he would love to go with us and help.  We had not talked about our future and our children, but he could see my heart through this project and little did we know God was also showing him something new about his.  We collected luggage for the kids to use to transfer their belongings when they had to move to a new placement. I had learned the year before that many foster children are transferred without many belongings and what they are allowed to take sometimes has to be transferred in a trash bag.  Now that sends a message that I'm not okay with so as we went, luggage began to fill my tiny apartment and classroom.  My students began bringing in their piggy bank money for me to count and use toward more luggage.  I was amazed at these kiddos and their hearts for others.  Through this project, Coby was exposed to fostering and adoption and gained a better understanding of what a blessing adoption was and how we as Christ followers have a job within adoption.  It might not always be to grow our family through adoption, but He was very clear in how we are to step in and make a difference through support of some sort.  We'll talk more about this later.
   
We attend the same foster care and adoption awareness walk every single year and bring new people with us.  Now we walk beside our parents and our kiddos and dream about our complete family walking together. (:

Our Pregnancies: 

I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidirum (or HG) and was very very sick throughout three pregnancies.  One ended in miscarriage, but the others were a slow and torturous form of starvation.  My whole life, I wanted to be a mom more than anything else.  I felt like that was my big Purpose. Here I was in the middle of high risk pregnancies and I was dangerously sick.  
(For a look into HG, you can read more --> HERE )

With our last pregnancy of our youngest daughter, my hair was falling out.. My eyes were dark and sunken in.  I was vomiting so much that my teeth were damaged.  My eyes were bloodshot from the force of the vomiting.  I couldn't drink or eat.  I couldn't make myself swallow spit that my body made.  Eventually, I was so dehydrated that my body stopped producing urine for days at a time.  I became very depressed and had to ask for help with the second pregancy.  It was no longer just me, but I had a toddler to take care of and I was in really bad shape.  My mom moved in with us and took care of me and my family while C worked.  We bounced in and out of the ER and tried every medicine known to man. Each trip to the ER spent poking and prodding until they could find a vein because I was so dehydrated. I tried a cocktail of a medication given to sick chemo patients mixed with other things and nothing helped me.  I was stuck in the middle of feeling guilty for being so sick and miserable and being a financial burden and an emotional drain on my family members that were caring for our family.  I kept trying to remind myself that some people would've killed to be pregnant.  I missed my daughter and longed for time with her, but I was so sick that I didn't want her to see me that way.  It scared her and broke my heart.  

 In my first pregnancy, I handled much of it alone.  C was working a lot and I was trying to teach.  I carried bags with me and taught with a trashcan beside me because I was always getting sick.  One night when C got home from work, I was passed out in the floor because my body was overheating and the last thing I remember was laying beside the toilet because the floor felt cool and I didn't have the strength to stand back up.  He picked me up and got me dressed and we went to the ER for fluids. I got home in just enough time to change into work clothes and went back to my kindergarten classroom the next day.  No one knew just how bad it had gotten.

Thankfully during my last pregnancy, I found out about the HER foundation which helps women that have HG by offering emotional support.  They sent me a doppler machine so I could hear our baby's heartbeat.  Many HG pregnancies end up with abortion, miscarriage, or PTSD without intervention. Every night after work, C would put it to my stomach and we would sit and listen to that sweet heartbeat and it would carry me through another day when I felt like I had no more fight left.  Women from all over the US sent me cards and I laid them in bed beside me and tried to remind myself that we had made it through once before and we could do it again.
 

I began researching.  I signed up to be a part of a study on HG to figure out why people get it and what it is so they can find a cure.  I realized in my own research that I was not with a doctor that advocated for us and I was withering away.  We knew something was wrong so we switched doctors.  At my second appointment with the new doctor, I had lost 14.6 lbs in less than 2 weeks and she kept me at that appointment.  We went directly to the labor and delivery where I was admitted under a team of high risk doctors.  I was so scared that we were going to lose another baby and it was a very dark time for me.  My time in the hospital is a blur of groups of people coming in trying to empathize, not having answers, trying things that didn't work, talks of PICC lines and feeding tubes, and reassuring me that we wouldn't lose this baby.  What I do remember very clearly is overhearing people talk about being scared that they were going to lose me.  This period of time isn't something I can easily talk about to this day.

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I gave birth to our second beautiful babe at 40 weeks and 4 days.  She was healthy and perfect and my heart doubled in size.  Our oldest settled in perfectly from that very second and we never witnessed one single second of jealousy or growing pains.  She was meant to be a big sister and God had knitted our family together in a way that worked.  I looked at C not five minutes after she was laid on my chest and said "I hope she isn't our last."  We both knew after talking with our doctor that more biological children weren't in our future, but we both hoped that our story was not over.
 

   

Fast forward 20 months after that day, and we were sitting in church while far into our adoption journey and our pastor said "There is purpose in our pain.  We might not see the 'WHY' at the time, but one day, we will be able to look back and see how God has used our pain and brought us through to fulfill His purpose."  It was all so clear.  I found my peace.  What if I hadn't had HG? What if I hadn't had the door closed for me and decided I was too scared to adopt? What if the risks would've seemed too big and paralyzed us? What if we would've been financially scared or let all the unknown and big scary bumps in the road stop us? This door has closed for a reason.  God knew the depths of our hearts and He knew our desires and also that we would need help getting there.

   

There was purpose in the pain. 

   
The journey of adoption can definitely also be painful and unknown at times, but every miracle of a pregnancy and path to a child is just as dangerous and scary and unknown. Adoption isn't a second best. It's not a consolation and I'm less sick and MORE able to be excited in this season than in my pregancy.  How amazing is that?!?!

 There is beauty in our weakness and pain.

Through that door closing, we were able to open the chapter of adoption.

To NOT miss out on the child(ren) God has intended to give our family to.

He is greatest at our weakest and this is another beautiful rainbow after the storm.  

     

B.

Berries For Baby - Strawberry Fundraiser

We did a strawberry sale as our second adoption fundraiser.  Luckily, Valentine's Day fell at the same time that our Home Study and "Going live" fees were due so it worked out perfectly.  

A lot of our family and friends are far away, and they decided to purchase orders anyway, and have them be "Pay-It-Forward" orders to bless deserving people.  This was so much fun.  One of the orders went to a family friend battling breast cancer.  Her husband tried to buy them from me.  I told him that the order was already paid for-- that a member of our "tribe" wanted to bless them, and he cried.  Right on my front porch. This strong man was moved to tears at a stranger's generosity in a time that they needed it the most. It was beautiful and I was so proud and thankful that we have people that do these types of bold things out of love in our corner.  

Love really is a currency, and we believe giving is a form of worship. 

One of C's spiritual gifts is giving. It's one of his biggest strengths.  He would give anyone anything he has and never even flinch.  He is so faithful and I love this about him, and he challenges me with his giving nature.  

 I really believe that God blesses people when they help others.  We have seen some big moves of faith to support our family in the last month, and though we'll never be able to talk about them, we have grown in our faith because of them.  We've also grown closer to our child.

I lost count on how many dozens of strawberries we made around 700 or so.  I was DREAMING strawberries when we went to bed both nights. (: 

My sweet momma came and helped us both days.  Did I fail to mention that before this fundraiser, I had never dipped a strawberry in my life? 

She totally saved the day, as always. She is such a giver.  She's not just like this with family.  It's that way with everyone.  I'm just so thankful for her. 

This is my favorite berry of both days.  It made the perfect little heart.

Someone said you could "taste the love that went into them."  

That made me so happy.  They were definitely filled with love.  We made them as we listened to our adoption playlist, and we had so many laughs as a family.  

I'll remember this part of our journey forever.  

If you were a part of this fundraiser, thank you. 

<3

The weekend - Day 132

Day 132-
     
I've come to the conclusion that I have a harder time on the weekends.  It's so bizarre that the highs and lows can swing so quickly without any movement in our "case." I feel like things settle down on the weekends, and C is home during the day which leaves me time to reflect and rest.  When the dust settles from the week and I am still, I start thinking.. I look at our day count on the calendar that's beside my bed and think about how long we've waited and it feels like we haven't come very far.  Of course we knew that it would take time to get here, but knowing that and living it are two very different things.

These days are almost like the fog lifts.  There is nothing keeping me crazy busy that takes my mind off of this. I really don't have doubts about it happening in general..  and I don't feel a pressure to have a baby in my arms that I just can't shake.  It's more like this whole thing just doesn't feel real.  The paperwork is done.  The hoops have been jumped through. There's nothing more that we can do... No reason to contact our agency or receive contact from our agency until "the call."  Nesting has halted and there's no signs that a baby is coming.

So I just pray.
I can't tell you the amount of times we've said "We don't want A baby for our family. We want OUR baby."  THE baby that God has meant for us.

I actually shot an email last week to our case worker.  The first time I've made contact since we were cleared with our home study.  I thought about some special things I would like to do - like finding out the sex of the baby in a special way like a gender reveal with our family.  (We were unable to find out these things in a special way in the past.  I was so sick and the babies were always in danger so these usually happened in high stress times where we were just wanting heartbeats, movement, and to check on growth and development)  They're things I always wanted to do, but we never got a chance to do.  She said that those things are always up to the expectant mom and usually they lead the first call with letting adoptive families know gender.  "We have an expectant mom at 33 weeks pregnant with a baby boy."
 
Another thing I've been dreaming up would be announcing a match.  I bought a couple of things for an announcement picture and thought this would be a fun way to let everyone know there has been movement in our journey... But then I remind myself that it is quite common for matches to not work out and a match doesn't mean placement.  It's a plan to place.... and that plan can change at any second, even after Baby comes.  The line between excitement and fear is a hair line.  Letting yourself free-fall and keeping your guard up are equally impossible.  So what if we announce and a match fails? What if we announce and the adoption fails?

These are things we are willing to face or we wouldn't be here.  But they're things I think about.

It's a lot like falling in love.  Knowing that at any second, your heart can be shattered, but not being able to avoid the gravity-like pull.  There's no dipping your toes into love, and there's no dipping your toes into adoption.  You take the chance.  You close your eyes, say a prayer, hope for the best, and you jump.  You have to jump.
And one day (sometimes after heartbreak) someone catches you.  You look back and see that it was all worth it.  We can learn something in heartbreak. Beauty can come from the ashes.