I've come to the conclusion that I have a harder time on the weekends. It's so bizarre that the highs and lows can swing so quickly without any movement in our "case." I feel like things settle down on the weekends, and C is home during the day which leaves me time to reflect and rest. When the dust settles from the week and I am still, I start thinking.. I look at our day count on the calendar that's beside my bed and think about how long we've waited and it feels like we haven't come very far. Of course we knew that it would take time to get here, but knowing that and living it are two very different things.
These days are almost like the fog lifts. There is nothing keeping me crazy busy that takes my mind off of this. I really don't have doubts about it happening in general.. and I don't feel a pressure to have a baby in my arms that I just can't shake. It's more like this whole thing just doesn't feel real. The paperwork is done. The hoops have been jumped through. There's nothing more that we can do... No reason to contact our agency or receive contact from our agency until "the call." Nesting has halted and there's no signs that a baby is coming.
So I just pray.
I can't tell you the amount of times we've said "We don't want A baby for our family. We want OUR baby." THE baby that God has meant for us.
I actually shot an email last week to our case worker. The first time I've made contact since we were cleared with our home study. I thought about some special things I would like to do - like finding out the sex of the baby in a special way like a gender reveal with our family. (We were unable to find out these things in a special way in the past. I was so sick and the babies were always in danger so these usually happened in high stress times where we were just wanting heartbeats, movement, and to check on growth and development) They're things I always wanted to do, but we never got a chance to do. She said that those things are always up to the expectant mom and usually they lead the first call with letting adoptive families know gender. "We have an expectant mom at 33 weeks pregnant with a baby boy."
Another thing I've been dreaming up would be announcing a match. I bought a couple of things for an announcement picture and thought this would be a fun way to let everyone know there has been movement in our journey... But then I remind myself that it is quite common for matches to not work out and a match doesn't mean placement. It's a plan to place.... and that plan can change at any second, even after Baby comes. The line between excitement and fear is a hair line. Letting yourself free-fall and keeping your guard up are equally impossible. So what if we announce and a match fails? What if we announce and the adoption fails?
These are things we are willing to face or we wouldn't be here. But they're things I think about.
It's a lot like falling in love. Knowing that at any second, your heart can be shattered, but not being able to avoid the gravity-like pull. There's no dipping your toes into love, and there's no dipping your toes into adoption. You take the chance. You close your eyes, say a prayer, hope for the best, and you jump. You have to jump.
And one day (sometimes after heartbreak) someone catches you. You look back and see that it was all worth it. We can learn something in heartbreak. Beauty can come from the ashes.
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